CHAPTER 3

"I Can't Fix Her"

Starting day 14 in TSICU (Trauma Surgical Intensive Care Unit) and it seems like yesterday when I received the call.  I have learned more than I wanted to know about me.  I have learned that I’m a FIXER.  When something is broke I see it as my job to fix it.  I guess that’s how I got into computers.  When I was a young boy I loved taking things apart to figure out how they worked.  More often than not I was unable to get them back together in a working fashion.  When my wife brings a problem to me I sometimes fail to empathize with her – instead I go right to fixing the problem.  When she wants to challenge my opinion or get me to consider another way I am less inclined to discuss it and more inclined to just fix it and go on my merry way.

I know that this trial is not all about me, yet in a way it is definitely about me and probably about you to.  God gives us trials for a purpose.  And even though it is Andrea lying in that hospital bed, all of us are going through this trial together.  The burden to pray is a trial.  The heart break that so many of us suffer from for Andrea is a trial.  Sometimes trials are for correction.  Sometimes they are for perfection.  Always they are for our good.  The first thing that we should ask when a trial comes our way is not “why me?” but rather, “what are You trying to do in my life God?”  I didn’t ask either of those questions.  I asked, how can I fix this?  How can I make this problem go away or get better?  Thus we have an Internet sight for you to follow my daughter’s situation by. 

My response to so many inquisitive friends was to write a journal and put it out where everyone could read it.  But that wasn’t good enough.  It didn’t fix my daughter.  So let’s take it to the next level – let’s put it out there on the World Wide Web and maybe if we get enough people praying my daughter will be fixed.  No, that hasn’t worked either.  So what next?  Can I just speak the words and she will be healed?  Can I get Jesus to walk through the door and call out her name?  I’m stuck! There is nothing left for me to do that might fix my sleeping princess.

Nothing that is except to stop trying to fix her myself and just rest in the love of Jesus Christ.  She may be my child by birth but she belongs to Him even more by creation and re-birth.  I’ve given 18 years of my life to train, teach, discipline, sacrifice for, protect and love my daughter.  Jesus laid down His life for her.  Jesus let wicked men put Him through the worst of deaths in order to purchase her redemption.  I love her with all my heart but He loves her even more.  Far more than is possible for me.  She is not in my hands right now; she is in His, which is better for her and me.  He is the giver, sustainer and taker of life.  I am just a little peon that gets in the way and every now and then I am submissive enough to be used by Him to help accomplish His will.

A very dear pastor and friend came to me the night of the accident and said he felt that he just had to tell me something.  He was sure that it was from God though he didn’t understand why.  He said he had never told anyone this before at such an early stage in an accident and I could tell he was uncomfortable saying it.  However, I can see now that it was what God has been trying to teach me in this trial.  He said, “You need to prepare yourself to let her go.”  I was shocked to hear such a thing from someone who was supposed to help me deal with my pain.  Let her go?  Are you kidding?  I need to fix her!  I need to make my little girl all better!  I’ll let her go if she dies, but as long as she has a heart beat and a hope of life, that is not what I’m supposed to do, is it?

Wrong – that is what all of us are supposed to do.  We are supposed to trust God so much that we constantly place our loved ones and friends in His care.  If He decides to take them home then He knows best.  If He decides to heal them, He knows best.  If He decides to give them partial healing but they remain impaired for life, He knows best.

Wanting my daughter to be completely healed is the right desire for a father, mother and a friend.  There is nothing wrong with praying for such a miracle.  We are commanded to.  We have not because we do not ask.  Ask and you shall receive.  However, you and I cannot fix Andrea.  The doctors and nurses can’t either.  Only God can fix her.  It doesn’t depend on how hard we pray though He wants us to pray hard.  It doesn’t depend on how close we get to our heavenly Father though that too is His desire.  It doesn’t depend on how much faith we have though more faith would certainly help us live for Him better.  Everything is conditioned by His sovereignty and what we need is to totally lean on Him.

If God is going to get the glory through this tragedy we have to get out of the way.  I am learning the deeper side of a divine paradox that I have taught others for years.  We do have a part in God’s work for since the creation of the universe God has always worked through people.  However, God doesn’t need you or me.  God doesn’t need anything!  God is self-sufficient.  That’s where resting in Jesus comes in. 

Our mission is to surrender to His will.  Pray, yes.  Worry, no.  We should do everything we can do within God’s written guidelines to meet needs, serve and minister to others and be a blessing, but we need to leave the outcome to God.  Not everyone we witness to gets saved.  Not everyone we counsel accepts our advice.  Not everyone we try to help gets better.  The outcome isn’t up to us.  Sometimes it is in the hands of the recipient and sometimes, like with Andrea it is in the hands of God and God alone.

The website is a wonderful idea.  It has rallied people to a united and worthy call to pray.  It has helped facilitate our calling as believers to bear one another’s burdens.  It helps us to know what the need is and to pray intelligently.  Yet, it will not fix Andrea.  I cannot fix her and neither can you.  We must rest in His love and care and trust that He knows what is best for Andrea.  Pray in faith – that means to pray for our desires conditioned by His will.   Don't waver - that doesn't mean to not waver from our desire, but rather to not waver from desiring His will.  God’s will is always best!  Even Jesus had to confess this great truth in the Garden as He prayed.

Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”